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So, I managed to write my 1500 words yesterday, and today. I took a picture yesterday, I nearly finished a bracelet (I finished it today, and started a new one) so I'm doing alright.
If you want to read any of my 1500 word things you can do so here.

As far as a picture for today.

It's right here:

That's definitely the mug I got for graduating with my major. They know that writers drink too much coffee/tea (I'm guilty of both).

Also here's a picture of the bracelet I finished, its' for my friends birthday (which was like two weeks ago, oops).



Go read my writing. K, Bye.

I want to start something.

So, as I was falling asleep last night (trying to) I realized that I don't do ANYTHING anymore, and I need to stop that. It's not like I'm not awake for 16 hours a day, why am I not accomplishing anything? Like seriously. I haven't written anything since I graduated. I don't take pictures. For a while I made friendship bracelets but now I don't even do that (not really). So, I had this idea.
Mainly that I want to write 1,500 words a day. About anything. Fiction, non-fiction, just ANYTHING. I'll keep a folder in my documents and start a fresh document every day and name it the day number and a title. I want to give myself barely any boundaries. I always feel like I need to be writing specific things, but rarely do I actually get any of it done because it's overwhelming.
But this is just 1,500 words, about anything. I can do this.
Then I thought, maybe I should try to take just one picture a day too. One good one. I have time for that, and as much as I think I will, it's not like I'm going to run out of things to take pictures of.
And then, if I'm writing 1,500 words a day, and taking one picture I should be able to make one bracelet.
Start of easy.
I want to tell myself that I'm going to do this. But I'm terrible at sticking with things. Probably because I tell myself I'm terrible at sticking with things.
One day at a time.
I already took my picture:



Not amazing. But I thought it was pretty at 8:45 this morning. Also earlier this week it was like 50. Now it's 90. I'm pretty sure winter comes after fall, not summer again.

May. 28th, 2013

So here's my life right now in a nutshell:

  1. My arm hurts, bad, and I have no idea why. The left one. I'm pretty sure it's not a stroke. Because it's hurt for like more than twelve hours at this point and I haven't died. But it feels a little like if you lay on your arm too long and it starts to hurt because it might fall asleep. I think I pinched a nerve or something. No clue how to fix it. I hope it just decides to go away. Like, now would be good.

  2. I don't want to do anything today, the last day of my "weekend". But I invited someone over. So, I guess I'm doing something.

  3. I went to a memorial service/potluck dinner for a woman who was a pillar in the town I grew up in. I've known her for most of my life but I've realized in the time since she died (earlier this month) that I didn't know her as well as I wish I did. Everyone had such kind words to say about her, and memories, and I realized that most of my memories of her are of her house, not her, when I was small. Or swimming in her pond, or looking at clothes in the barn she used to use as a sort of thrift shop. Everyone else had these stories of always being able to go into her house and talk to her. About knowing her really well. About asking her what she wanted to do when she knew she only had six months left. I didn't want what they had, but I wanted something. Because despite not having any concrete memories I can still conjure up in my mind the sense of her, and her generosity and desire to be a part of the community. I just wish I had something to hold on to like everyone else does.

  4. I am honestly, totally, completely, dreading going to work tomorrow. I need a new job.

  5. The only thing I want to do anymore is sit on my boyfriends bed with him and do nothing. It's not a very good life goal.

  6. Yesterday would have been perfect to pay Airsoft with my friends and get a fresh set of bruises, but they were all working except my boyfriend and I. So, we went driving, and I got pulled over for having an air freshener hanging from my rearview. Now, I kind of knew that you weren't supposed to do that. But I also kinda thought that they had better things to do than pull you over for it. Got a warning. The airfreshener was out of smell anyway.

  7. I want to go swimming. It's not warm enough.

  8. I wish I still liked taking pictures. But I feel like I've already taken all of the pictures around me. Not true.

  9. I want a new job. But I don't want to work at a supermarket, or at a the call center at my boyfriend's work. So, I feel stuck.

  10. My arm fucking hurts. It's not so painful I want to die or anything. It's just annoying.

  11. I want to read all of the books on my "to read" bookshelf (I actually have one, yeah, shut up). But I'm impatient.

  12. My mom, and my friend, and her mom, and a bunch of other people are starting this diet. And I kinda want to do it because I'd like to be skinny again. But I'm pretty sure my patience and dedication for such things don't exist anymore. Besides I really hate black coffee and I'm pretty sure I can't live without coffee and you can only drink things that don't have calories in them (tea, water, BLACK COFFEE). Boyfriend says I'd be able to do it. It's good to know he has more faith in me than I do in myself. But regardless, I don't believe him.

  13. I think I'm going to play Rockband today. I haven't since like New Years Eve. I'm confident that it will be bad.

  14. I haven't had coffee yet. I should do that.

  15. I really need to mail a thank you letter out. But I'm honestly too lazy to find the envelope that they sent me to get the address. The card is written and in an envelope. I just don't want to so the rest of the work.

  16. I want to go shooting. Like real guns at a range. It's been a while.

  17. I really really really really want to find an apartment to live in. I hate the one Max and his brother have now. And I want to live with him, and I pretty much do but I'm not paying rent for that piece of shit because if I start they'll never move and I'll probably kill myself.

  18. I should probably clean my room or at least work on it. But, I'm lazy.

  19. I want to make a t-shirt quilt. Maybe I'll figure that out today.

  20. I'm going to go do something. I think. Maybe.


Oh, and thanks to all of you who added me because of my post in add_me. I really appreciate it and I hope we can be actual friends, or at least LJ acquaintances for a long time :-)

If anyone really wants to read it I'll think about posting  the first chapter or so of my novella that I'm self-publishing.
AHHH I CAN'T WAIT.
ok.
bye. 

Oops.

I have been the worst updater in the history of updating. And I'm sorry for that.
But I want to try to resurrect this blog, for a few reasons. One being that I need a place to vent

I'm officially a college graduate. I'm working the same job I've worked every summer since my senior year of high school. I'm feeling a little disenfranchised about the whole college thing right now. Not that I don't think it did amazing things for me. It did. But come November I'm going to have to be paying 537 dollars back to them, a month. And I don't have a good job right now, and my boss is pissing me off, and I want to write about something.

The other reasons include things like getting my name out there. Feeling like I'm actually kind of a writer. All of that. A lot of this is hard for me. Hard in the frustrating sense. I don't really want a writing job where I get to sit in an office all day and write press releases. I don't want to read slush piles, or be a journalist. I want to work alone. I want to write novels, and creative things and whatever. But those things don't make money unless you're amazing. Or unless you have an idea that people are willing to buy. But I've wanted to be a writer since I was little.

I'm officially getting published by CCPI, a publishing company run by a professor at the college I just gradated from. It's less of a publishing company and more of a place where people help authors self publish. But he really wanted me to publish my final project, which is a novella. So I am.
Which is awesome. It's incredible. I was happy about it. Until no one else was. Until I realized that no one gave a shit about it except me. When I told my boss she just kind of looked at me and then went back to work. She couldn't muster up a "that's cool" or "good job" she couldn't ask me a single question about it. And she isn't the only one who lacks that enthusiasm. Some of my friends are excited. Other's are only sort of happy about it because I am.
And that's fine too.
But it's stupid. That my boss didn't care about that. But she did care that my best friend was rolling a tractor tire 17 miles up a mountain in two days and was probably going to be in the paper (he was, front page).
Not that that isn't an accomplishment. It is. I am so proud of him for being able to do that, and having the dedication because god damn I could never roll a 350lb tire 3 feet never mind 17 miles. But she actually knows me.
Why couldn't I get a slice of that enthusiasm too?

Ok. Enough whiny bullshit.
Hi. I'm back. I hope.
I don't always have internet. But I'll try to post when the mood strikes me.
<3 

I am a terrible person. I haven't posted in more than 6th months. I haven't even looked at LJ since then probably. And not so much because I was busy (although that's such a huge part of it) but also just because I'm lazy. I've never been able to keep a journal. Even my music blog is irregularly updated. I can't seem to keep any of this straight. Although, I'd love to. I'd love to really make some internet contacts. To really reach out to people and really let go of some of the shit I hold in on a daily basis. It's so hard to tell myself that I should just let homework wait for five minutes so I can write. Write about my life right now. Because I do a lot of writing. In fact as far as homework goes that's pretty much all I do. 

So let me give you a bit of an update. I started my senior year of college a month ago. In eight months I will graduate with a B.S in Professional Writing. I currently have an internship at a music venue doing press releases, website stuff, and social media (eventually). I also work part time at a cafe on campus. What I do there consists of closing up the cafe at 7pm, and before that just hanging out with my friends who also work there. 

I'm also writing a book, because someone told me to. Not the cool kind of book either, the kind that my college wants to publish and wanted to shove off on someone so they picked me. It's going to be fun, I think, but it's also going to be a shitload of work, which is something I'm not sure I'm ready for since I like having free time. 

Besides that I'm scared. I'm scared out of my mind that I'm not going to find a job when I'm done. That I don't really know what I'm doing. That I want too badly to be a novelist and that is never going to happen. But I want it to. I want to be one of the lucky ones. But to be lucky you either have to be amazing, or write about sex. I'm not sure how amazing I am, but I refuse to sell out for money and popularity. I'm going to write what I love and hope other people love it too and in the meantime I'll probably do some copy-editing or something. 

I don't know what to write about my own life. 

Maybe that's why journals always fail. 
I'm not very good at sticking with things. I probably should learn how to do that before I go out in the "real world" and need to do it to keep food on the table. 

  I miss having this as a place to vent. It's been a long time since I was able to come on here and just talk. I haven't had the motivation. And even right now I have a million other things on my mind (like why this part of my room smells like gross mayo). I almost had a panic attack earlier while trying to find headphones at the drug store. It wasn't because they didn't have them (they didn't) or because I felt awkward looking around for nothing (I got other stuff too) I just felt off as soon as I woke up this morning. Attribute that to the fact that I woke up more than an hour late because I set my alarm for PM not AM, it's a good thing all I had to do was move my car, not go to class or something. I was just freaking out. I woke up to a picture of my boyfriend that he sent to me. I feel extraordinarily stressed out, even though I shouldn't because I'm pretty well on track.

Next week is spring break. I'm going to New Hampshire to see my cousin this weekend because we're going to see Mindless Self Indulgence on Saturday. Then I'm going home, and I'm staying home for a week. I'm exhausted, and all I want is to to decompress. 

I've been trying to conquer George RR Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire" I got through Game of Thrones and now I'm about 200 pages into Clash of Kings. I'm enjoying them, despite what other writers say about him. He isn't the greatest writer in the world, that's true, but I like the story and I'm invested it in for now. Until he kills all of the good characters, like I know he will. 

I'm going to try to post more. I need this outlet. I don't feel as obligated to post about interesting things or have perfect grammar when I post here. I should, but I don't see LJ as part of my professional life. It's not WordPress or school work. Wordpress makes blogging seem more like work because I feel like I have to be constantly interesting and have purpose to each post. 

My brain is scattered, therefore all of my posts are scattered. 

I'm not sure how to be a professional. The entire notion of growing up terrifies me. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm pretty sure whatever it is I'm not doing it. And that is terrifying and full of stress and I honestly can't get un-stressed right now. 
gah. 

Seriously, fuck responsibilities and growing up. 

Oh god, I miss posting here. 


I could probably remedy that if I knew what the fuck to post. .

I miss you guyssss. 

God damn it my life is just too boring to write about or something. 

It doesn't help that I haven't been writing, or taking pictures. 
I just got back to school for the start of the new semester so maybe that'll change (don't count on it.)

Instead of doing those things I love I've been playing Skyrim. 

Godawful amounts of Skyrim. 

Steam says I've played seventy-eight hours of it. 

It's so bad I saw a flock of birds the other day and instantly thought it was a dragon. This happened in real life. I was driving, in my car, and my brain said "holy fuck that's a dragon." 

Then I felt really stupid.

So I love you guys, and I miss you, and I'll try, for reals. 

Oh, and an update about the boyfriend vs. guy friend thing.  My guy friend came to my house for my families annual New Years Even party. 
Max was nice enough, I still don't think he's cool with me being friends with my other friend but he's realize that he has to deal with it. New Years was epic, no one tried to kill anyone else. I barely got any sleep over the entire weekend. My friends assure me that someday Max will get over it and understand that I really am just friends with this guy (good friends, which I think makes it worse for him.)

I'm sleepy. I have Writing Children's Literature at eleven am. 

So, yeah. 

Nightt. 

<3

I'm sorry I haven't posted in like a month. The end of the semester is crazy so I got out of the groove of writing (not that I was really in a groove anyway). 
So what's been going on with me? 
Christmas is Sunday and I'm not sure I got anyone anything they'll like but at least my shopping is done. 

I made a friend at school who happens to be a guy and my boyfriend hates him. It's put strain on our relationship.
No, they'v never met, he just hates the fact that I have a friend who is a boy, and we got really close really fast. 

I'm stressed and I don't know why, I just feel like everything is moving way to fast and I don't have enough time to get stuff I need to get done done, but I don't even know what I have to do. 

Really I just want to write. Badly, but when I try I end up not liking it. I'm going to try today I hope. 

Also I'm on the last book of the Hunger Games series. I <3 them. 

That's pretty much it. I promise I'll try to be around more. 
The key word there is try. 


<3

I love me so much.

With 40 minutes to spare I managed to complete my come from behind victory over NaNoWriMo. 
I was at 35k yesterday and today: 



There are no words to describe how proud of myself I am. 
Also just so you all know I'm legit here, here's my winners badge. 

Basically I'm fucking awesome. 


I am so proud of myself right now. 

Time to do homework to celebrate (yeah right)!

Woah hey adulthood.

I turned twenty yesterday. 
Because it was Thanksgiving we had a bunch of people here ate tons of food and then played Just Dance on the Wii for hours. 

I'm so sore. 

And old. 

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